Sorry for the rambling today, but I am suffering from a cold and my horomones are out of control and I have all these weird feelings that I need to let out. As many of you know, we have lived with my parents for the last 15 months. My parents are saints for allowing us to be here this long and they never complain about us or ask us when we're leaving. Due to many unfortunate circumstances we still own a house in St. George that is worth nothing, has a high interest rate, and high balance still (we only lived in the house for one year when we had to leave it). When we left I knew it was the right choice, but ever since I have felt lost and confused. I know lots of people end up living with parents, but it seems like they leave with a large sum of money to put down on a house. We will leave here with nothing but our good credit, but yesterday I had a realization that we might not even leave with that. The reality is that we cannot afford to hold on to that house and move out of my parents, and we can't let go of the house without destroying our credit or carrying a high balance with us. Yesterday when I was on the verge of tears I called Tim and he tried to comfort me but I still hung up crying. I then went to the BOM and started reading. I read about Nephi in the wilderness with his family when his bow breaks and everyone is so angry with him. Then, the Lord helps him fix his bow and I read the scripture that says by simple things the Lord can bring about great things. This really made me cry because I knew it was exactly what I needed. All the odds were stacked against Nephi and the Lord helped him. This is how I feel. All the odds are stacked against this stupid house and I am just praying now for our "small thing" to help great things come to pass. At this point, a small thing could be just knowing where we are supposed to be. Tim's company is trying so hard to get an office up and going in St. george and I don't know if we should continue holding out hope that we can go back or move on and settle up here. Add to this the fact that Emmary starts school this fall and I have no idea where we will live, what school she will attend, or if she will have friends. Add again the fact that we are having another baby in April and there is absolutely no room for another child here. Another small thing would be some kind of resolution with the house. I thought things worked out so well for us to hold onto it becuase we were supposed to move back into it, but now I don't know if it's that or just bad luck. If you can't tell, I'm questioning myself and my ability to know when it's an answer or just what I want to hear. I am yearning for the confidence in knowing that we are where we are supposed to be and I don't have it. I know that this is the time of year when we count our blessings and are grateful for what we have. Everytime I approach the Lord in tears over my frustration and sadness I spend 5 minutes crying and then 10 minutes thanking Him for all He has given me. This is not a matter of ingratitude. We have been abundantly blessed this last 15 months, but I am ready to move on and be independent again. We are all in desperate need of our own space. So, sorry again for the rambling. I never do this on my blog, but I felt like I should today, so I did. Thanks for listening :)
Friday, December 18, 2009
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6 comments:
Oh Holly, I wish I had grand words of wisdom, but I don't. I'm sure it will all work out in the end. Maybe Tim could take a sabbatical and you could move to Michigan for a year, hint, hint:)
I too wish I had all the answers for you! Isn't that what good friends are supposed to do in these situations? Just know that if you were with you, I'd give you a big hug, listen to you, and probably end up crying with you! I do know that things happen for a reason and that in the end of all of this you'll look back and be able to say, "oh,yeah I get it now." But I also know how frustrating it is in the midst of everuthing to just be content.
Ah Holly, I'm sorry. We are still holding out hope that you get to come back here, but maybe that's selfish of me. I just hope that things start falling into place for you and you can get things figured out, it's rough not knowing where your gonna be in the next few months! By the way, your chrismas card was darling. Hopefully I'll get mine out, but if not, just know we love you!
I pray for you Holly and I even put your name in the temple when I was there a couple weeks ago. I'm here if you ever need to talk.
We are so blessed to have had you in our ward and in our lives for the past 15 months. I also feel selfish because even though I know it is not an ideal situation I wish that Melody and Emery could start Kindergarten together. Just know that I love you and am so greatful to count you as a friend.
It's never easy opening up to the world...but thank you for doing so. We have also been struggling a lot lately with financial matters that came from decisions we thought were correct and good. If it makes you feel better I can't believe the lessons I have learned in the past year and how humble trials like this make you. It's good to go through tough times so that you strengthen y!our relationship with Heavenly Father. Hang in there...NOTHING CAN GO PERMANENTLY WRONG when you are living the gospel
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