Stupid Cold, and Feelings, and Horomones!

Sorry for the rambling today, but I am suffering from a cold and my horomones are out of control and I have all these weird feelings that I need to let out. As many of you know, we have lived with my parents for the last 15 months. My parents are saints for allowing us to be here this long and they never complain about us or ask us when we're leaving. Due to many unfortunate circumstances we still own a house in St. George that is worth nothing, has a high interest rate, and high balance still (we only lived in the house for one year when we had to leave it). When we left I knew it was the right choice, but ever since I have felt lost and confused. I know lots of people end up living with parents, but it seems like they leave with a large sum of money to put down on a house. We will leave here with nothing but our good credit, but yesterday I had a realization that we might not even leave with that. The reality is that we cannot afford to hold on to that house and move out of my parents, and we can't let go of the house without destroying our credit or carrying a high balance with us. Yesterday when I was on the verge of tears I called Tim and he tried to comfort me but I still hung up crying. I then went to the BOM and started reading. I read about Nephi in the wilderness with his family when his bow breaks and everyone is so angry with him. Then, the Lord helps him fix his bow and I read the scripture that says by simple things the Lord can bring about great things. This really made me cry because I knew it was exactly what I needed. All the odds were stacked against Nephi and the Lord helped him. This is how I feel. All the odds are stacked against this stupid house and I am just praying now for our "small thing" to help great things come to pass. At this point, a small thing could be just knowing where we are supposed to be. Tim's company is trying so hard to get an office up and going in St. george and I don't know if we should continue holding out hope that we can go back or move on and settle up here. Add to this the fact that Emmary starts school this fall and I have no idea where we will live, what school she will attend, or if she will have friends. Add again the fact that we are having another baby in April and there is absolutely no room for another child here. Another small thing would be some kind of resolution with the house. I thought things worked out so well for us to hold onto it becuase we were supposed to move back into it, but now I don't know if it's that or just bad luck. If you can't tell, I'm questioning myself and my ability to know when it's an answer or just what I want to hear. I am yearning for the confidence in knowing that we are where we are supposed to be and I don't have it. I know that this is the time of year when we count our blessings and are grateful for what we have. Everytime I approach the Lord in tears over my frustration and sadness I spend 5 minutes crying and then 10 minutes thanking Him for all He has given me. This is not a matter of ingratitude. We have been abundantly blessed this last 15 months, but I am ready to move on and be independent again. We are all in desperate need of our own space. So, sorry again for the rambling. I never do this on my blog, but I felt like I should today, so I did. Thanks for listening :)

My Awesome Husband

I just have to brag about Tim for a minute. We bought our Odyssey last September and I just wanted to pay Forrest Motors (the best place to buy a Honda) the $600 to install a dvd system in the van. Tim was adament that he would find a way to do it cheaper. It has taken 15 months, but Tim has kept his promise. He found a dvd system on KSL for $35 that has the dual screen thing (one for each headrest) and he spent a lot of time wiring it into the system of the van and it actually works and he didn't destroy anything! Then he found a pair of wireless headphones for the kids for $10. Yesterday he got the router in the mail that sends the signal for the headphones to work with the dvd player- also for $10. So, that's $550 saved. I love this man! I don't have much patience, but he does- which is how he manages to stay married to me:)

One Baby or Two?

Sorry, no pictures in this post today. I will give a clear explanation on what has been going on in the baby scene the last couple of weeks. At 16 weeks I went in for my checkup and I was measuring a good month ahead of schedule. My midwife asked if I was positive about my dates, which I was, and then asked how sick I have been. I have been so very sick this pregnancy when I wasn't sick with my other two. She then asked if this could be a different sex baby. Nope, I have one girl and one boy. Then she asked if twins run in the family. Yes, my dad is a twin. She asked if I usually measure big. Nope, I usually have dangerously low levels of amniotic fluid so I measure small if anything. She braced me for the fact that there might be twins. I told her I'd already had an ultrasound at 10 weeks and we only saw one baby. She said it is rare, but twins can line up and you don't notice, especially if you are not looking for them. We were looking for a heartbeat because the Doppler didn't pick it up.She also said their hearts often beat in sync so hearing 2 heartbeats is rare. She said we would just wait and see and keep a close eye on it. 3 weeks later, I was going crazy thinking that I can feel 2 babies moving and called to see if we could check again to see if there are 2. She kind of treated me like I was being irrational and that it wasn't' a big deal. I am hoping this was related to stress right before Thanksgiving, but I got off the phone feeling stupid. I finally went in yesterday for another ultrasound and met a new midwife (I go to a practice of midwives, I don't just have one I see). She said she is not an expert ultrasonographer and she wasn't super confident in her ultrasound skills, but she would do her best. Immediately we saw one baby with a strong heartbeat. The baby's head was on the left side of the screen. Then a minute later the baby's head was on the right side of the screen. The midwife said, "Woah, that's weird, the baby is facing a different way now. Did you feel the baby flip?" I had not felt any movement. Then a minute later the head was back on the left side. She did her best, but we will know for sure jan 5th when I have my big ultrasound. We are waiting until January so that the cost can go towards our deductible, even though I am about 20 weeks now. She measured me again, and I am still a month big. Anyway, that is the whole story. I would really like twins, but really I feel so incredibly blessed to be having one. This pregnancy has been a different experience in every way, but I hear that is what happens with number 3. I will post more info in January and until then keep myself busy with the holidays!